i wish i could just post this on facebook where i KNOW you’ll see it, but i don’t want to be that guy who posts his relationship drama all over facebook. that’s the worst.
plus, i don’t want to answer all of the question that i know i’ll get.
the hardest part isn’t even knowing that you are with him now.
the hardest part is not talking to you.
the hardest part is not being able to tell you how good today was; how
i’m okay now.
i just need a perfect stranger to spill my guts to and have them not judge me or ask any questions, and then never talk to them again.
i know you’ll never think to read this, and part of me if kind of glad that you won’t think to. but a part of me needs you to see this. maybe someone on here will understand what i’m saying, and know who you are and will tell you to read it. but then again, maybe i’m getting ahead of myself.
i really have so much more to ask. so much more that i need to know and say and think and feel. this is not going to on in any particular order, and it won’t make any sense to anyone else but you.
i need to tell you that i have done so good today. i mean of course you’re all i’ve thought about, but i didn’t cry at all. well, okay. once. this morning. but that’s not fair to use against me because i was listening to christian music which makes me sappy anyway. but it was also a really good song. i think you’d like it. it’s called ‘restore’ by chris august.
secondly, i talked to tyler today. mainly about math and work, but we also talked about the storm. and i didn’t feel anger or hatred or frustration. it honestly felt like old times, before everything happened. i don’t know if i am making progress this quickly, or if i was just numb to the situation because i want to talk to you again. does that make sense? let me rephrase that. maybe i just put my feelings aside and was able to in a way, detach from the situation. i’m hoping it’s a mix of both, because if this is what makes you happy then i need to get on board because your happiness means everything to me. it means more to me than my own happiness. which is why i haven’t made a huge deal about everything because i know how confused you are by all of this.
i’m a little confused too, though. so it’s okay.
who knows, maybe i’ll have another three straw-ber-ritas and facebook message this to you. although i know you won’t respond. you didn’t even respond to my ‘be careful’ text message about the tornado. i know you’ll say that there wasn’t really anything to respond to, but it kind of hurt. i mean i know i said i wouldn’t talk to you for a while, but that’s an exception because i was telling you to be safe.
Other people: wow what a perfect morning for a run
Me: wow what a perfect morning to go the fuck back to sleep
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